Some poetry I wrote a while ago....

I could tell you about my cracked lips

Or about how I want to feel bones under my hips

But I'm afraid that I'd probably close my eyes

And fantasise what it's like to not be alive

See, sometimes breaking free from my heart might be hard

(Despite feeling the warmth of lying in your arms)

The only thing I love more than you would be seeing my ribs

How my skin between them and my pelvis could dip

When the gap between my thighs could be bigger than my sighs

And how I could disguise myself in baggy jumpers and lies

I could just cut out carbs, probably for a day or two but

Eight days down the line, I'm lying to me as well as you.

I become so tired from this life that I try to free the demons inside

And that scissors on my thighs would make life an easier ride

But, sadly it can never be a perfect release

As I will always be slave to the scales that rest between my feet

And I have to be careful to not get in so deep because

I'm too young to be buried six-foot deep

I don't want my hair to get weak and my nails to snap

I don’t want to snap again

But it always starts with the hipbones, collar bones cheek bones

I try and tell myself that I'm more than skin and bone

But when you're battling yourself from the inside to out

The urge to scream and the urge to shout that

I'm better or stronger or something more

Is just…

Impossible.

How I'm feeling today

It was really hard to put it into words, so I decided to draw it... I hope this makes some sense.

I feel like my mental health problems are a large figure that are constantly standing behind me, pressed up against my back with their hands around my throat - like I am being controlled and suffocated by these feelings and emotions. The words and cuts in black show the aspects of myself that are under the influence of anxiety and depression. I've drawn myself in grey to symbolise the colour and life being drained out of me; the more that the colour leaves me, the darker and bigger the personified depression gets.

 

I'm seeing my nurse and nutritionist tomorrow, so hopefully things will start looking up soon.

What is recovery?

Today's journal idea came from the Rise Up app again, and it was 'What is recovery to you?'

This is the most difficult thing to write right now, as I currently feel like I'm falling into an abyss. I have gone full-frontal relapse and am struggling to stay positive - so maybe this will help.

Recovery is accepting the things that you don't have the power to change
Recovery is motivating yourself to change the negative aspects of your life
Recovery is seeing beauty in every day things
Recovery is support from the people around you
Recovery is realising who you are for the first time
Recovery is living with your flaws
Recovery is a mindset
Recovery is slow
Recovery is not easy
Recovery is worth it ?

Bye for now,

Gratitude

So today, I would like you to consider with me five things that you are grateful for.

When things are getting really difficult, it's often so easy to forget about the things that you have going for. When you let the big grey cloud of depression follow you around all day like you have a dementor or something constantly by your side (I'm a Harry Potter fan). It can be really difficult to enjoy the little things, and become, almost obsessed, with the negatives.

But, there are so many things that are positive that go on all around us - so not only could I not see today because it was sunny and I had to swap my glasses for sunglasses, but sometimes I think we can see through negative-tinted eyes.

 

So, as I'm trying to focus on the positives, here's my list of today's FIVE THINGS THAT I AM GRATEFUL FOR:

1. I have some really lovely housemates who, without realising sometimes, brighten even my darkest days
2. I actually have a boyfriend. There is a man out there who actually ... fancies ... me ???
3. Public transport - I could just hop on a train anywhere anyhow and just go
4. Talking of going places, the fact that I am so close to the beautiful Belgium which is filled with happiness and waffles
5. Cats - on the way back from Tesco yesterday, a teenie friendly black cat let me pet it

Bye for now!