Body Dysmorphic Disorder: my story

Most people have general anxieties about life: friendships, relationships, exams and so on. But what makes an anxiety an anxiety condition? The NHS of the UK says this:

Anxiety is a feeling of unease, worry or fear. Everyone feels anxious at some point in their life, but for some people it can be an ongoing problem.

There are several different types of anxiety (WebMD):

• Panic disorder
• Social anxiety disorder
• Specific phobias
• Generalized anxiety disorder

 So where does BDD come into it? Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a an anxiety condition that relates mainly with body image, and involves obsessive worry with appearance.

I was diagnosed with BDD in March 2014. When I first got diagnosed with anxiety, I was so confused - I am a fairly sociable person, I very rarely have panic attacks, and I certainly don't have any phobias that affect my day-to-day life... But then, when I got told about BDD, it's like a light turned on; I finally had an answer as to why I think and act the way I do.

According to many painful counseling sessions, my anxiety began from a young age. I have had eczema since a child, which has ranged from mild to severe during my lifetime. Being incredibly self conscious of my scabby, scaling skin meant that I developed small obsessions with my appearance. My condition became exasperated during the breakdown of my first serious relationship. I had been cheated on several times, and this had caused deep anxiety and fear about my appearance. People would always compliment me, but if I was so pretty, why did my boyfriend keep cheating on me?

 (Me at my lowest weight with a BMI of 15.3, aged 17)

This was back in 2012, and it was probably the first time I had a real mental health condition. I had lost a lot of weight in a very small amount of time and had a severely underweight BMI - but I just couldn't see it. To me, I was this horrible, ugly, bulbous fat teenager, and even my reflection showed me that. But it just wasn't true. And that's what BDD is mainly about for me - not being able to see my weight as it truly is. And as a consequence, I was underweight, with brittle hair, nails that were snapping off, and constantly exhausted.

When I first went to university, I was on my own for the first time. I had to deal with looking after myself fully. Whilst I enjoyed this the majority of the time (I love cooking and baking), it also presented me with a problem: who would know if I started skipping meals again?

The first time I admitted I had a mental health problem was towards the end of 2013, and by the beginning of 2014, I had decided for the first time in my life, that the only way to stop a repeat of things was to get help. I visited my university's doctors, and have since then, seen a huge variety of people, some of which who just made me feel like shit, but there have been a few that have greatly impacted my life.

It's been over a year of discussions, chats, breakdowns and medication, but I'd like to think that I'm getting somewhere. I have relapses all of the time, and still struggle with eating my three meals a day, as well as struggling with self harm, but maybe, one day, I'll get there.

Bye for now,