Some poetry I wrote a while ago....

I could tell you about my cracked lips

Or about how I want to feel bones under my hips

But I'm afraid that I'd probably close my eyes

And fantasise what it's like to not be alive

See, sometimes breaking free from my heart might be hard

(Despite feeling the warmth of lying in your arms)

The only thing I love more than you would be seeing my ribs

How my skin between them and my pelvis could dip

When the gap between my thighs could be bigger than my sighs

And how I could disguise myself in baggy jumpers and lies

I could just cut out carbs, probably for a day or two but

Eight days down the line, I'm lying to me as well as you.

I become so tired from this life that I try to free the demons inside

And that scissors on my thighs would make life an easier ride

But, sadly it can never be a perfect release

As I will always be slave to the scales that rest between my feet

And I have to be careful to not get in so deep because

I'm too young to be buried six-foot deep

I don't want my hair to get weak and my nails to snap

I don’t want to snap again

But it always starts with the hipbones, collar bones cheek bones

I try and tell myself that I'm more than skin and bone

But when you're battling yourself from the inside to out

The urge to scream and the urge to shout that

I'm better or stronger or something more

Is just…

Impossible.

How I'm feeling today

It was really hard to put it into words, so I decided to draw it... I hope this makes some sense.

I feel like my mental health problems are a large figure that are constantly standing behind me, pressed up against my back with their hands around my throat - like I am being controlled and suffocated by these feelings and emotions. The words and cuts in black show the aspects of myself that are under the influence of anxiety and depression. I've drawn myself in grey to symbolise the colour and life being drained out of me; the more that the colour leaves me, the darker and bigger the personified depression gets.

 

I'm seeing my nurse and nutritionist tomorrow, so hopefully things will start looking up soon.

Gratitude

So today, I would like you to consider with me five things that you are grateful for.

When things are getting really difficult, it's often so easy to forget about the things that you have going for. When you let the big grey cloud of depression follow you around all day like you have a dementor or something constantly by your side (I'm a Harry Potter fan). It can be really difficult to enjoy the little things, and become, almost obsessed, with the negatives.

But, there are so many things that are positive that go on all around us - so not only could I not see today because it was sunny and I had to swap my glasses for sunglasses, but sometimes I think we can see through negative-tinted eyes.

 

So, as I'm trying to focus on the positives, here's my list of today's FIVE THINGS THAT I AM GRATEFUL FOR:

1. I have some really lovely housemates who, without realising sometimes, brighten even my darkest days
2. I actually have a boyfriend. There is a man out there who actually ... fancies ... me ???
3. Public transport - I could just hop on a train anywhere anyhow and just go
4. Talking of going places, the fact that I am so close to the beautiful Belgium which is filled with happiness and waffles
5. Cats - on the way back from Tesco yesterday, a teenie friendly black cat let me pet it

Bye for now!

Body Dysmorphic Disorder: my story

Most people have general anxieties about life: friendships, relationships, exams and so on. But what makes an anxiety an anxiety condition? The NHS of the UK says this:

Anxiety is a feeling of unease, worry or fear. Everyone feels anxious at some point in their life, but for some people it can be an ongoing problem.

There are several different types of anxiety (WebMD):

• Panic disorder
• Social anxiety disorder
• Specific phobias
• Generalized anxiety disorder

 So where does BDD come into it? Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a an anxiety condition that relates mainly with body image, and involves obsessive worry with appearance.

I was diagnosed with BDD in March 2014. When I first got diagnosed with anxiety, I was so confused - I am a fairly sociable person, I very rarely have panic attacks, and I certainly don't have any phobias that affect my day-to-day life... But then, when I got told about BDD, it's like a light turned on; I finally had an answer as to why I think and act the way I do.

According to many painful counseling sessions, my anxiety began from a young age. I have had eczema since a child, which has ranged from mild to severe during my lifetime. Being incredibly self conscious of my scabby, scaling skin meant that I developed small obsessions with my appearance. My condition became exasperated during the breakdown of my first serious relationship. I had been cheated on several times, and this had caused deep anxiety and fear about my appearance. People would always compliment me, but if I was so pretty, why did my boyfriend keep cheating on me?

 (Me at my lowest weight with a BMI of 15.3, aged 17)

This was back in 2012, and it was probably the first time I had a real mental health condition. I had lost a lot of weight in a very small amount of time and had a severely underweight BMI - but I just couldn't see it. To me, I was this horrible, ugly, bulbous fat teenager, and even my reflection showed me that. But it just wasn't true. And that's what BDD is mainly about for me - not being able to see my weight as it truly is. And as a consequence, I was underweight, with brittle hair, nails that were snapping off, and constantly exhausted.

When I first went to university, I was on my own for the first time. I had to deal with looking after myself fully. Whilst I enjoyed this the majority of the time (I love cooking and baking), it also presented me with a problem: who would know if I started skipping meals again?

The first time I admitted I had a mental health problem was towards the end of 2013, and by the beginning of 2014, I had decided for the first time in my life, that the only way to stop a repeat of things was to get help. I visited my university's doctors, and have since then, seen a huge variety of people, some of which who just made me feel like shit, but there have been a few that have greatly impacted my life.

It's been over a year of discussions, chats, breakdowns and medication, but I'd like to think that I'm getting somewhere. I have relapses all of the time, and still struggle with eating my three meals a day, as well as struggling with self harm, but maybe, one day, I'll get there.

Bye for now,

Perfectly Imperfect

Have any of you heard of the app 'Rise Up'? I downloaded it in honour of the passing of Mental Health Awareness Week (11-17th May), and was pleasantly surprised to find that it has had a positive impact on my recovery thus far.

Today, as a recommended coping skill (along with 'Love Your Feet' where I gave myself a rather messy pedicure) was titled Perfectly Imperfect, in which I am to write a journal entry on whatever topic that pleases me (e.g. my day, goals, dreams, recovery) - I created this blog so that I could start journaling my musings and thoughts, as well as my adventures and recovery.

Recovery
Today, I will not give you my back story, but rather, a little bit about my recovery experience. I have been (officially) in recovery since March 2013. I have diagnosed depression and anxiety (body dysmorphic disorder) as well as some big eating problems which plague my life.

Recovery isn't easy. I know that's a bit of a cliche, but what works for some people doesn't  work for others. For instance, I really don't get along with yoga...

As a girl who can't even touch her toes (or do a roly poly), yoga just isn't the one for me. I know so many people who swear by it, and to be honest, I'd love to be one of these people that can meditate to tinkly music and sit on a rock by the ocean and put my body into all sorts of contortions that would impress even a porn star, but I'm afraid, the yoga ship has sailed for me. It barely even existed. So, as I'm being batted from nurse to councilor to doctor to therapist, the 'y' word does make me want to tell them where to stick their downward dog.

Anyway, I hope you yoga lovers and yoga haters are all having a lovely day. Take care!
Bye for now,