Some poetry I wrote a while ago....

I could tell you about my cracked lips

Or about how I want to feel bones under my hips

But I'm afraid that I'd probably close my eyes

And fantasise what it's like to not be alive

See, sometimes breaking free from my heart might be hard

(Despite feeling the warmth of lying in your arms)

The only thing I love more than you would be seeing my ribs

How my skin between them and my pelvis could dip

When the gap between my thighs could be bigger than my sighs

And how I could disguise myself in baggy jumpers and lies

I could just cut out carbs, probably for a day or two but

Eight days down the line, I'm lying to me as well as you.

I become so tired from this life that I try to free the demons inside

And that scissors on my thighs would make life an easier ride

But, sadly it can never be a perfect release

As I will always be slave to the scales that rest between my feet

And I have to be careful to not get in so deep because

I'm too young to be buried six-foot deep

I don't want my hair to get weak and my nails to snap

I don’t want to snap again

But it always starts with the hipbones, collar bones cheek bones

I try and tell myself that I'm more than skin and bone

But when you're battling yourself from the inside to out

The urge to scream and the urge to shout that

I'm better or stronger or something more

Is just…

Impossible.

How I'm feeling today

It was really hard to put it into words, so I decided to draw it... I hope this makes some sense.

I feel like my mental health problems are a large figure that are constantly standing behind me, pressed up against my back with their hands around my throat - like I am being controlled and suffocated by these feelings and emotions. The words and cuts in black show the aspects of myself that are under the influence of anxiety and depression. I've drawn myself in grey to symbolise the colour and life being drained out of me; the more that the colour leaves me, the darker and bigger the personified depression gets.

 

I'm seeing my nurse and nutritionist tomorrow, so hopefully things will start looking up soon.

What is recovery?

Today's journal idea came from the Rise Up app again, and it was 'What is recovery to you?'

This is the most difficult thing to write right now, as I currently feel like I'm falling into an abyss. I have gone full-frontal relapse and am struggling to stay positive - so maybe this will help.

Recovery is accepting the things that you don't have the power to change
Recovery is motivating yourself to change the negative aspects of your life
Recovery is seeing beauty in every day things
Recovery is support from the people around you
Recovery is realising who you are for the first time
Recovery is living with your flaws
Recovery is a mindset
Recovery is slow
Recovery is not easy
Recovery is worth it ?

Bye for now,

Why 'Pro-Ana' needs to stop, now.

#proana #mia #thinspo #bonespo ... the list goes on. So what is it, and why have the French banned it, and why are the Dutch planning on following suit?

The Internet Age is a beautiful thing, and as a computer scientist, I often marvel at how far we have come in the past few decades. But with great power, comes great responsibility; as no one owns the Internet, it can be a bit of a free-for-all with unrestricted content spiraling into websites that can promote pretty much anything... Including eating disorders.


So what's all the fuss about? Whilst researching for this blog post, it meant entering the dark side of the Internet for me, which I found incredibly difficult. Tumblr is nutritiously famous for its sensitive content. Despite having a splash screen before entering a listed tag, with advice websites and emergency helplines, this can be ignored.

Pro-ana means pro-anorexia, and with a few clicks, you can access months worth of content from other people with the mental health problem, including advice on telling other people not to eat, images of their weight loss, graphic images of self-harm and so much more. Images that glorify mental health conditions, and make them seem 'acceptable' and 'normal' and nothing to be concerned about. This topic relates quite deeply with me, as someone who found their way into pro-ana and thinspo at the start of my eating disorder. I became almost brainwashed, after seeing image after image of skin and bones, getting advice from 'friends' online who did nothing but motivate me into an abyss.

Channel 4 recently aired a feature documentary entitled 'My Self-Harm Nightmare', which proposed to address this issue of:

Are blogs and websites responsible for increasing rates of eating disorders and self-harm?

The documentary explored the lives of a few girls who suffered from eating disorders and self-harm... However, the focus seemed to be a little more on showing actual content of pro-ana blogs than tackling the actual issue, including horrific images and the detailed fatal suicide of one girl. The Huffington Post reported:

Discussions of the documentary have also appeared on a pro-anorexia site, with users saying they found it "triggering and sensational" and "full of dramatic shots" - without focusing on actual mental health illnesses.

The documentary sparked outrage from fellow people with mental health illnesses in recovery, with even a comment from the head of media at Mind Charity, saying they were disappointed with Channel 4.

I think people on the Internet often forget that whilst they may be personally 'ok' with viewing such content, people that post it themselves could actually be the reason why someone's mental health problem worsens. In my opinion, it's a form of cyberbulling. I'm not saying that if just anyone viewed anything 'thinspo' they would immediately become mentally unwell, but if someone with maybe a disposition for low self-esteem and body image becomes exposed to it, their unrealistic expectations can become worse.

But how can it be stopped?

People have a right to the freedom of speech, so it is difficult to be able to block and filter the Internet. There is also a strong argument on the removal of these websites could result in higher suicide rates for the mental health reasons... But anorexia already has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder, as people can die of a direct result of the illness.

In my opinion, the online community needs a lesson in self-love and respect for other people. Proper guidelines need to be written into social media, and certain domain names should be not allowed to exist, proper school education etc... It's so much easier said than done. I'd be interested in your thoughts on the subject.

Take care,

Gratitude

So today, I would like you to consider with me five things that you are grateful for.

When things are getting really difficult, it's often so easy to forget about the things that you have going for. When you let the big grey cloud of depression follow you around all day like you have a dementor or something constantly by your side (I'm a Harry Potter fan). It can be really difficult to enjoy the little things, and become, almost obsessed, with the negatives.

But, there are so many things that are positive that go on all around us - so not only could I not see today because it was sunny and I had to swap my glasses for sunglasses, but sometimes I think we can see through negative-tinted eyes.

 

So, as I'm trying to focus on the positives, here's my list of today's FIVE THINGS THAT I AM GRATEFUL FOR:

1. I have some really lovely housemates who, without realising sometimes, brighten even my darkest days
2. I actually have a boyfriend. There is a man out there who actually ... fancies ... me ???
3. Public transport - I could just hop on a train anywhere anyhow and just go
4. Talking of going places, the fact that I am so close to the beautiful Belgium which is filled with happiness and waffles
5. Cats - on the way back from Tesco yesterday, a teenie friendly black cat let me pet it

Bye for now!

Body Dysmorphic Disorder: my story

Most people have general anxieties about life: friendships, relationships, exams and so on. But what makes an anxiety an anxiety condition? The NHS of the UK says this:

Anxiety is a feeling of unease, worry or fear. Everyone feels anxious at some point in their life, but for some people it can be an ongoing problem.

There are several different types of anxiety (WebMD):

• Panic disorder
• Social anxiety disorder
• Specific phobias
• Generalized anxiety disorder

 So where does BDD come into it? Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a an anxiety condition that relates mainly with body image, and involves obsessive worry with appearance.

I was diagnosed with BDD in March 2014. When I first got diagnosed with anxiety, I was so confused - I am a fairly sociable person, I very rarely have panic attacks, and I certainly don't have any phobias that affect my day-to-day life... But then, when I got told about BDD, it's like a light turned on; I finally had an answer as to why I think and act the way I do.

According to many painful counseling sessions, my anxiety began from a young age. I have had eczema since a child, which has ranged from mild to severe during my lifetime. Being incredibly self conscious of my scabby, scaling skin meant that I developed small obsessions with my appearance. My condition became exasperated during the breakdown of my first serious relationship. I had been cheated on several times, and this had caused deep anxiety and fear about my appearance. People would always compliment me, but if I was so pretty, why did my boyfriend keep cheating on me?

 (Me at my lowest weight with a BMI of 15.3, aged 17)

This was back in 2012, and it was probably the first time I had a real mental health condition. I had lost a lot of weight in a very small amount of time and had a severely underweight BMI - but I just couldn't see it. To me, I was this horrible, ugly, bulbous fat teenager, and even my reflection showed me that. But it just wasn't true. And that's what BDD is mainly about for me - not being able to see my weight as it truly is. And as a consequence, I was underweight, with brittle hair, nails that were snapping off, and constantly exhausted.

When I first went to university, I was on my own for the first time. I had to deal with looking after myself fully. Whilst I enjoyed this the majority of the time (I love cooking and baking), it also presented me with a problem: who would know if I started skipping meals again?

The first time I admitted I had a mental health problem was towards the end of 2013, and by the beginning of 2014, I had decided for the first time in my life, that the only way to stop a repeat of things was to get help. I visited my university's doctors, and have since then, seen a huge variety of people, some of which who just made me feel like shit, but there have been a few that have greatly impacted my life.

It's been over a year of discussions, chats, breakdowns and medication, but I'd like to think that I'm getting somewhere. I have relapses all of the time, and still struggle with eating my three meals a day, as well as struggling with self harm, but maybe, one day, I'll get there.

Bye for now,

Perfectly Imperfect

Have any of you heard of the app 'Rise Up'? I downloaded it in honour of the passing of Mental Health Awareness Week (11-17th May), and was pleasantly surprised to find that it has had a positive impact on my recovery thus far.

Today, as a recommended coping skill (along with 'Love Your Feet' where I gave myself a rather messy pedicure) was titled Perfectly Imperfect, in which I am to write a journal entry on whatever topic that pleases me (e.g. my day, goals, dreams, recovery) - I created this blog so that I could start journaling my musings and thoughts, as well as my adventures and recovery.

Recovery
Today, I will not give you my back story, but rather, a little bit about my recovery experience. I have been (officially) in recovery since March 2013. I have diagnosed depression and anxiety (body dysmorphic disorder) as well as some big eating problems which plague my life.

Recovery isn't easy. I know that's a bit of a cliche, but what works for some people doesn't  work for others. For instance, I really don't get along with yoga...

As a girl who can't even touch her toes (or do a roly poly), yoga just isn't the one for me. I know so many people who swear by it, and to be honest, I'd love to be one of these people that can meditate to tinkly music and sit on a rock by the ocean and put my body into all sorts of contortions that would impress even a porn star, but I'm afraid, the yoga ship has sailed for me. It barely even existed. So, as I'm being batted from nurse to councilor to doctor to therapist, the 'y' word does make me want to tell them where to stick their downward dog.

Anyway, I hope you yoga lovers and yoga haters are all having a lovely day. Take care!
Bye for now,